Freedom..

Well looks like I am not going to jail for all that long after all! You can guess how happy I am about it. It turns out that I am only going to spend one night in jail, and they tell me I can bring a book. So three cheers for the judicial systems!

On the down side of all of this my wife's cusin was shot to death on monday and her b-day is on the 13th. I have to do somthing big for her.

Bye for now.

Go strait to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200...

I may not be able to wright for a while due to the fact that I will be in jail. I am sad and unprepared. I am going to court on the 7th at 3pm to find out. If they give me some time before I have to report to jail I will wright again.

I may not be able to have access to a computer so it may take a month or two before I wright again. I am so tiered of paying the price for all my drinking. I have been beaten and now I must stand up for all of my mistakes.

On a good note, I have been reading my AA book and am half way done with it. I have been struggling mostly with the "giving your self to a higher power" part. But I know I have reached the first step, and I am proud to final say that; My name is Matthew and I am an alcoholic. I am proud of it because it means I am finally taking responsibility!

Sorry to make this so short and vague, but I just found out that there was a death in my wife's family. Her cousins son was shot to death. Please keep that in your prayers, as my wife dose not handle death well.

The Hemingway method...

"Best of all he loved the fall
The leaves yellow on the cottonwoods
Leaves floating on the trout streams
And above the hills
The high blue windless skies
Now he will be a part of them forever"

Ernest Hemingway - Idaho - 1939

This is written on the Hemingway memorial in Ketchum, Idaho where Hemingway now sleeps. He killed himself using a double barrel shot gun to remove the top of his head. Needless to say it worked.

He blamed ECT(Electroconvulsive therapy AKA: electroshock) of taking his memories and must have felt that death is better than a life you can't remember. I have always had a "bad" memory, I can't remember most thing before I was 14. I don't know why. I have been told that it is because of a tragic event that happened to me caused by one of my siblings.

I don't much believe in psycho-babble but that is not the point! The simple point is this, Is it better to live with out memories; versus death? Should I even care that I can't remember? I mean if my mind shut out 14 years of my life maybe it's better that I don't know, right?

Just a thought.

The man that isn't there.

"As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there;
He wasn't there again today!
I wish, I wish he'd stay away."
-HUGHES MEARNS-

I first heard this poem when I was 12, I can remember thinking it made no sense and I was wrong. Because I met a man who wasn't there just to day. Now before you lock me up I didn't see him, but I know he is there. He is like a sore on the top of my mouth that I can never be rid of.

He is the one who begs me to take that first drink. Whispering in my ear It's just one beer... You can handle it now... and I always give in to him. I know in my heart I am going to end up fucking my life up a little more, but still I listen. He has such a way with words...

"The wine urges me on, the bewitching wine, which sets even a wise man to singing and to laughing gently and rouses him up to dance and brings forth words which were better unspoken."
Homer, The Odyssey
Greek epic poet (800 BC - 700 BC)